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All about me, the scribbles by Raani
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Comp[(ul)/a]ssion
There is a movie that I watched recently that created an impact in me. This is an amateur attempt of my transliteration of my overthinking brain:
Knowing some of the IPC acts through this movie, I was tempted to do a web search “Can you practice law after 40s”. A part of my overthinking brain has an insane talent to build a creative fantasized world that I feel it real, much more real than the current life that I am on. I come back to see I lived 10 years of life in a couple of minutes.
It is only a couple of movies that usually let my overthinking brain build fantasies. All through this movie, I felt something crucial was missing. I realized, how the creators of the movie, tried their best to include the “massness” that the Rajinikanth movie should look like. Had it been “mullum malarum” rajinikanth movie, this movie would have had enough moments for the compassion that they were trying to bring on along with the education they were aiming at. Hence it felt like a compulsion rather than the compassion. The choice of the characters were safe too, in order to make sure there is “massness” and “good image”.
On this train of thoughts, I was questioning myself what is compassion, what is empathy.. “Be empathetic” was a tag in the algorithm for a couple of weeks. Who would you be capable of empathizing with? How would you justify that your understanding of the empathy is the one the receiver anticipates? It is not well defined, to be honest and to my perception.
A lawyer wins a case for the first time in a while. People who are very close to the lawyer pour congratulatory messages. Would you call the people who know the lawyer and care about the lawyer empathetic or do you call the judge who approved the lawyer’s arguments, empathetic? The judge should not be empathetic, right? How do you play fair midst the chaotic variables scattered before you? You have a chat with an AI, it would bring all half-knowledge based search across the globe to give you a sophisticated answer. But there is no answer to start with, for the question itself be a nonsense to many to begin with. You ought to replace the scenario as someone else winning something instead of lawyer winning a case, in order to have the questions make sense.
If you are reading this, you probably just wanted to confront me for what I have written or dead curious on what ranting have I scribbled or trying to find a small sentence that might be a solace, or judging me and I am writing this because I am just another argumentative Indian. We create the meaning and justifications to what we do.
People who have privileges, have their base of empathy on the statistics that they have read or been told to pretend they are empathetic. Their empathy if not demeaning, it just makes you want to run away. I would rather be scolded than been called empathetic on the topics that I speak that I can’t empathize with. However, people around you portray a tint of their own stories (might be out of their experience or from what they have been fed with based on books/degree/news/socialization/sadly AI) when they hear you rant. Those who cant paint those pictures, just skip you and never show up. People who can pretend, stay around you most likely to get some help from you. People who truly care many a times try to insert the solution that they would/should have applied in their life. Yet there are people who ask you to wipe your own tears by handing you a hand kerchief (no, not tissue paper, but a hand kerchief, that can be washed and reused and store memories without the knowledge of AI or data breach)
However people with less privileges, are rare to be found. They disappear soon from this world. They do not survive the marketing based world, they do not survive the fame oriented world, they are humble and hidden. Rarely when they are surfacing in a visibility, they are shut by either their own wounds or by a brutal execution planned by and from an ideal society. They are hardly known by 0.5 billionth of the world population. Yet that 0.5 billionth of the world population would have seen some peace and happiness that can not be even created in the rest of the population’s dreams.
So you are bound by people who compel you to have compassion. Just like a hashtag to temporarily popularize complicated manipulations. The compulsion soon becomes aggression instead of compassion. The compassion takes time and waits for the right moment to help you pull out of your dark tunnel. However, the compulsion breaks your hands by pulling you out and you fall into a different tunnel.
To some level I can confidently say that “you are the best person in this world who can empathize with you! show all the compassion you can for yourself.” I have seen a generation of people who believe “living for others make you the best human you can think of” and I have seen a generation of people who believe “you should be the priority on your choices. Only then can you take care of others healthily”. “Do not just survive, Live” is what I would like to believe. You define “living”. Where are you coming from? an abusive environment that starved you from food &/ love &/ respect &/ luxuries or an environment that showered you with everything? Choose that makes you a better healthy person, sometimes it might be “putting yourself first” to experience that you have been longing and sometimes it might be “putting others the first” to experience the contentment in sharing what you have got or sometimes it might be “there exists God” or sometimes it might be “sleep”. Choose your choice with no regrets and stay strong to choose the next option that may or may not contradict your previous options. May be, be compulsively compassionate to yourself?
Con-ver-c-ation
I had been more of an empathizer as a teacher. However, the last two weeks showed me yet another reality check – I have now come to the other side. The other side of darkness, the other side of idealism, the other side of the adulthood – Why do we need rules, why do we need discipline, why do we actually need scheduling, why do we have ‘formalism’. As a part of my job, I designed the below for our institute’s 4th convocation. It took me hardly 30 minutes to draw this, and another 30 minutes for the scribbling of re-defining the acronym IISER and inventing an acronym for our town; however, the short journey from the art to the acronym and finally to the convocation today converted me to an ‘adult’ or better put as – made me realize how I have been converted to an ‘adult’ over the years. Being an empathiser and recently crossing the ‘other side’ of the adulthood, I would like to remind myself today that, I better have a healthy conversation with the kids before they are converted to adults instead of growing into adults.
It is going to be 20 years since my first degree and honestly I don’t remember the convocations I had attended. The fourth batch to adieu at my work and my brain as usual connects to only my past.
We were the fourth batch in my school and I remember awkwardly trying to imitate a teacher since the chit said so during our adieu party – Connecting it to the present where my kids cant come to terms of allotting chits for their hostel rooms, I should have better known the prison of emotions experiencing how terrible I was forced to imitate a teacher when I can hardly speak in public. 99% of our teachers are no longer associated to the school I graduated from – Forwarding it now, running into some of my previous students who are now a better matured person than I am, I realized I might no longer be associated to their future. Be it the school that I graduated in 2002 or the BSc or my masters in 2007 or MPhil or my most loveable journey PhD, the closeness to my batchmates mostly got better only from the conversations I had after graduation. While the closeness became tight, I wonder how matured are we or if we are now a healthy adult! While I am still in touch with some of my students, I wish I can keep learning from all my kids as I grow into my final days in future.
Some of my colleagues do not agree with me when I say “humans till (at least) their 24 year old cannot be called adults, and no not ‘young adults’ too”. Yet I found myself shout at kids “you are literally behaving like kids”. I have been lectured multiple times by my sister who is a Montessori trainer and a felicitator, that “Environment is the key”. I forget that very often when I address my kids and see them as “young adults” contradicting my own belief. It of course explains what do I mean by me being converted to an adult – the environment that I was given and how I was tuned. I wish to atone.
I would like to reverse the conversion of my adulthood and make a better environment to relearn becoming an adult, to grow into an adult and most importantly helping my kids grow into a healthy adulthood.
It was not a convocation day for me, but convercation day.
Brownie emotions
Have you wondered if you’re who you’re or if you’re riding yourself as who you were portrayed?
Riley, the name was the first reason that made me watch the part 1 of Inside out. The name of the fancy character that came as the protagonist of the initial game of “The Sims”. We ought to complete her life goals to open a portal of the characters and City that you can create for yourself. Fantasies are blindly the only fun and are the only lives for many like me. The movie brought much clarity to many of my questions back then when I ought to make some important decisions. I would like to call these emotions, the Brownie emotions- (Maybe Not much like the ‘Brownie points’).: The instant and impulse emotions riding you to decisions that are much needed ones during those moments.
Back when I saw the first part, i knew there was something more. I was yet to meet a compatible therapist for whatever I was going through. And I strongly believed Pixar will make part 2. (And now I really hope they don’t make part 3 and commercialize; it is better to leave it to the viewers to educate themselves on their emotions at this juncture) So I was damn thrilled and was so eager since the first look of part 2 started. Brownie emotions sprouted then: The ones you long for… to validate your sanity and insanity, most importantly to make you feel you’re not alone.
As a matter of fact, I barely controlled myself to bawl out after watching Inside Out 2 just like many viewers. I am restarting this blog as just an impulsive scribble after the movie as I nibble the not-so-great-Brownie and as I fight my anxiety to embrace the other emotions back in the mind. Hence the title! The after effect of a Brownie.. mmhmm.. not so pleasant..;, when you lose the fun, when you crave something more, when something deep down has been dug away, to your worst if you have harmonal imbalance, the after effects of uncontrollable tears for hours.
Am I who I am at all at any time! Thanks to the movie, embracing all parts of you is the key to making use of brownie emotions for betterment.
The little victories: on the way, a child turning to smile with a deep eye contact; the ‘aha’ moment of understanding something you thought you will never comprehend; implicit praises from an unexpected acquaintance; all of these would have brought you these brownie emotions. Ofcourse the after effect might include longing, fear, trust issues. However we tend to let go of these brownie emotions faster than the rest of the after effect, just like our body reflects to the sugar.
The choice is which pockets would you choose to hold onto: the initial pocket of emotions or the after effect of the emotions that is cooked up by your mind and body. The healthy choice comes with exercising your mind and body at your own pace, and of course with the right people to help you around.
K. S. Senthil Raani 